“Ducks eat for free at Subway!”
~ Mitch Hedberg
“Money can’t buy happiness… But it can buy stuff that will make you happy.”
~ Stephen Colbert
“To me, swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun and sometimes you do it to not die.”
~ Demetri Martin
“Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, ‘If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.’ Now, I’m gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. ‘If it weren’t for my horse…’ as in, giddyup, giddyup, let’s go, ‘I wouldn’t have spent that year in college,’ which is a degree-granting institution. Don’t think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!”
~ Lewis Black
“Turn that noun upside down”
~ Steve Wilmot
